When I was ill, I felt trapped in my circumstances. I felt
like my life was fixed to a pattern that I had no choice about. But now that I am well, I feel completely
free of restriction. There are no fixed ideas that I have to adhere to nor a paradigm
that I had to follow. I get to make the rules for my new life. And even now as
I’m starting to try to piece together what my future life might look like, I
have almost complete freedom to choose. I have nothing tying me down, and no
obligations to meet. In some ways it’s really quite daunting to have so much
freedom and so much choice. It can be hard to know where to begin. But it is
most certainly a gift, such freedom to determine my own tomorrow is rare isn’t
it?
But is it? Why is it? As I think about how constrained I
felt by life during my illness and the wild freedom I now experience by
comparison, my thoughts drifted to other times in my life. Times when it seemed
that I had complete control of my life and yet seemed fixed to a set direction
that life had somehow determined for me. In a way I felt constrained and
trapped into that life, particularly compared to now, feeling that all paths
are open to me. But why?
That’s not how God works, nor how God made us to be. God is
not bound by circumstance or fate. With God all things are possible. He can
easily turn our lives and our circumstances completely on their head. Something
I have experienced first-hand a number of times now. No matter how hopeless or
stuck rigid our circumstances seem, God is able to change them. He is
completely free. And Christ came to earth so that we might have that freedom in
Him too.
The funny thing is that as I look back on those times that I
felt life had become stuck and unchangeable, and I felt trapped by my circumstances,
I wasn’t even unhappy with my situation, I just felt aggrieved because I felt
like I had no power to change it. But I guess that’s the point – I can’t change
it. Not on my own any way. The frustration comes when I try to determine my own
future without the guidance or help of God – who knows what is good for me and
what is bad, and knows what weighs me down and what sets me free. And I realise
that the times I’ve felt the greatest freedom in my future has not just been
now I have no constraints at all, but anytime (even when it seemed ultra-repetitive
and every day was the same) when my life has been bound and fixed on God and I
have trusted Him to determine my future.
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