Episode 85 - Fan Loyalty

This weekend England played Papua New Guinea in the quarter final of the rugby league world cup. Now you might think it would have been difficult for me to decide which side to support. However, you probably would only think this if you didn’t already know a couple of things about me. The first thing is that I actually support Wales in Rugby Union international matches (I’m sorry!). The second is that before living in Papua New Guinea (where they live and breathe rugby league), I never really paid much attention to the sport. That soon changed once I arrived in Papua New Guinea and my friends quickly taught me everything I now know about rugby league. Needless to say from that time on I was a vehement PNG Kumuls fan, just as my friends are! So come the day of the game, there was never really any doubt as to who I would be supporting and the truth is that I couldn’t have changed my team even if I wanted to.

They may have lost to England but they did themselves proud

That’s the funny thing about supporting a sports team isn’t it? Once you pick your team, that’s it. They’re your team. There’s no going back. It doesn’t matter which team you chose, or why you chose them, or even how flawed your seven year old brain was when it chose to support Newcastle United Football Club. Nor does it matter how much heart ache your team has caused you over the years, you heart will always support them. Such allegiance, such unquestioning, unshakable loyalty is really quite incredible. I started to think if there were other things I had such allegiance to, because as much as I love sports, surely there are things more deserving. 

I started thinking about my relationships and there are definitely some people whom I will always support and forgive no matter what, or at least I certainly hope so. But relationships are a bit more complicated than following a sports team. People can hurt us in a variety of different ways whereas pretty much the worst thing a sports team can do is to continually play poorly (if you support a particularly imaginative football team, you may also be able to add mid-game inter-team brawls and the signing of a player based on viewing a YouTube clip). So to commit yourself to support someone no matter what they do, really is a huge ask, and not something that one can say lightly or freely.

Sometimes your team will let you down...

And then there was God. Who can not only say that He has such unconditional loyalty and love for a special few, but for everyone. And that, not only based on the possibility of what He might imagine we all could do, but knowing all of the worst things that we have and will ever do (as well as all that we’re capable of too). And He chose to do so knowing that the cost of such unconditional loyalty and love was not only disappointment or personal grief, but also the death of His perfect son Jesus so that we might know this love for ourselves. And it was in that moment I re-learnt once again the depth and strength of God’s love for us. And I remembered that it was my calling to learn to love like He does. Not just to reserve my love for those whom I think may become deserving, but for all including those who are undeserving, knowing that I have done nothing to deserve the unconditional love of my God. Fortunately my calling is to learn how to love like Him, so I’m not expected to have got there just yet. I can only try to get a little closer each day.

Episode 84 - Guiding Hand

Next week marks a year since I first displayed any symptoms of being ill. And although little progress has been made in finding a way back to health, God has clearly used this time to help me grow personally. And whilst progress in the matter of getting better may have been slow, it is most definitely there – with the biggest step forward probably being made this week when I went to a Neurological Physiotherapy department (who knew that there was such a thing?) for a screening appointment. For the first time during my illness, I saw someone who sounded like they would be able to help me, rather than passing me on to another department or sending my away empty handed. And whilst it was only a screening appointment and it is still early days, I must confess to being filled with cautious anticipation and hope. 

It is a major breakthrough, but this is just the beginning and I suspect the path forward from here will not be an easy one. As it was only the screening appointment, a course of action has not yet been decided upon, but it would seem that whatever the plan is, it will involve pushing myself into activities which make me uncomfortable and which for the short-term at least will make my symptoms worse. This is hard for me for two reasons: the first of which is the unsurprising fact that I would like to avoid my symptoms getting worse as they aren’t particularly pleasant. 

The kind of crazy looking equipment that can be found in a Neurology Physiotherapy Department

The second reason is that history seems to be against me. I should explain; when I first became ill I too decided that my best chance of recovery was to push myself slowly into doing more things until I was able to live my life as normal again. And so I tried. And tried. And tried. Until I just couldn’t anymore and I realised that I not only wasn’t making any progress at all, but that I was actually making myself worse. And so I stopped pushing myself and instead withdrew myself to a place where my symptoms were far more manageable. It would therefore be easy to think that this pursuit will be in vain. However, this time there is one thing different; I have the guidance of someone who knows and understands what it is I’m fighting with and how it works.

As I thought about this and re-secured my hope, I realised that my present situation is not too dissimilar to one which seems to have played-out through my life over and over again. You see often in life I struggle with things, with life itself, whether it’s a situation or a character trait. And so I try to deal with it by facing up to it, ready for the difficulty that comes with it. And so I try and try and try, until finally I can take no more and so I give up, or give in, or just simply run away from it having achieved nothing. Eventually I realise that the problem was that I was doing it on my own when all along there was someone willing to help me. Not only willing, but truthfully, also the only person who could help me because He knows what I’m fighting and can give me the strength and direction to get through it. And it’s always the same person – God. So I’ll try to stop fighting my life on my own and try to ask the only one who already has all the answers for direction more often!