Episode 61 - Free to Fall

No matter what I’ve faced in life, people have always been able to make a massive impact on what I’m facing. To make good out of the bad, or to turn what was good sour. Sometimes this opportunity and its effects are obvious, but more often than not they are subtle little interactions which have the power to shape my world, the choice between acceptance and judgement, the little things that unite together to build me up or tear me down. This week I have had the privilege to visit the college I went to in preparation for going to Papua New Guinea. It has been amazing to spend time in a place full of people who so openly show their love for me, who are intentional about finding the time out of their busy college schedules to come alongside me, to support and encourage me, and to pray with me.

I walk with a stick. Sometimes I get involuntary leg movements, which when I’m walking make me stumble. The stick helps stop me from falling over. I don’t really need the stick. If I fall over, I can just get back up again. I’m pretty clumsy and have been falling over all of my life, so why should I start worrying about it now!? The truth is, since I got ill I’ve not really known how I’m supposed to behave. Sometimes I shake a little, which is weird so I try to hide it because I don’t want to freak people out or for them to worry about me. By the same measure I’m aware that I’m not well, and so feel that I should behave like I’m not well – that is to say that I shouldn’t even think about doing things that unwell people can’t do – as though all ill people are the same…

While I’ve been here God did something amazing in me, through all the wonderful people here who have accepted me as I am and have prayed with me. No He didn’t heal me as I thought He might, but He has set me free from me illness in some way. He has stopped me from letting it hold me back in ways I don’t need to. I still get tired easily. I still find it hard to think clearly sometimes. I still shake sometimes. I still stumble and fall sometimes. But in the last few days I have done things I never thought I would be able to. I have felt so well accepted here that I’ve felt able to open myself up and make myself vulnerable. To try things even though I’d stumble and probably make a fool of myself. To reveal my weakness even though I’ve previously felt I’ve had to hide it. And strangely to show what strength I have too even though I’d previously felt like I wasn’t supposed to have it. I have danced and played volleyball (not well, but I’ve never been able to play well so I shouldn’t expect too much). God has performed a miraculous change, not in my body, but in my mind. Sure I got really tired, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t rest later. Sure I fell over sometimes, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t get back up again.

So this week’s blog post is a celebration. A celebration of God and all that He does for me, and of all the amazing people He has brought into my life who accept me and build me up. And it’s also a reminder. A reminder that sometimes I let life hold me back when I shouldn’t. And a reminder that even interactions that seem inconsequential to me can have a huge impact on the people around me.

Episode 60 - A Picture Tells a Thousand Words

They say that a picture tells a thousand words, it's always clear what those words are though. I'm afraid this is one of those posts that will probably tell you very little. Sometimes although I feel a lot inside I have no words to express it. This week is one of those weeks, although I can tell you that it is all positive. When I feel like this I often draw as an expression of what I'm feeling, I'm not sure what it'll tell you, but here it is anyway. Who knows, maybe it'll tell you more than I realise...

What do you see?

Episode 59 - Wedding Day

I have to confess that this will only be a very short post as I didn’t have much time last week to prepare this blog. That was because I was preparing for something else… My Sister’s wedding! It was great to be able to be here for it and share in her special, and so I wanted you to share in it too! Knowing that I’ll be able to be around in England as she starts this new adventure is very special too. God really does give good gifts in unusual circumstances!

The Beautiful Bride and Her Confused Brother

Episode 58 – Experience Vs Relationship

Recently I’ve had plenty of time to think, which I must confess I rather enjoy. All manner of things have passed through my mind, one thing which has occurred to me is how similar my time in Papua New Guinea has now become to that of a short term trip with the potential of making it permanent at a later time. In fact on paper, there is no difference between going on a short trip for six months, coming back to England and then later returning permanently, to going out permanently and then returning to England for a period of time after six months, to then go back later. So I started to think about the difference and about how different that would have made my first six months in Papua New Guinea. I can only see one difference between the two circumstances, but what a difference that has made to me. The difference is simply my intent.

The PNG Experience

You see right from the beginning my intention was to be in Papua New Guinea for a long time. Now God is always teaching me to make the most of each day and not to worry about what may happen tomorrow, but at the same time the bible also teaches about using what we have wisely, making the analogy to a man who wants to build a large tower not starting to do so unless he knows that he can finish it. If I had only been planning to stay in Papua New Guinea for six months to begin with, my intention would have been to “make the most” of the limited time I had. I would have thrown myself head first into every opportunity that came may way, desperately trying to experience every “new” thing that this place had to offer. We are often encouraged to live each day like it is our last, and this would have become my philosophy. It may offer some wisdom in encouraging us not to worry about tomorrow and to remember to enjoy what each day brings us, but it is also quite short sighted. Because I knew that I would be in Papua New Guinea for some time, experiencing every “new” thing as soon as I could became less important and other things increased in importance. I would often turn down exciting new experiences for things which at first glance seem far more mundane, usually spending time with friends.

Some of the best people on this earth!

With my “live like each day is your last” attitude, friendships would have been far less important. Sure I would have wanted friends, but pursuing deep relationship would have appeared to be a “waste” of time, knowing that I didn’t have long to develop meaningful relationships, and knowing that it would be hard to maintain them once I had left. But with the intent of staying, relationships became far more important than experiences, and even in just six months my relationships proved to me how much more valuable than experiences they truly are. By putting my friendships first, I am now friends with some of the best people on this earth and have friendships that I know will last forever. On top of that, through those friendships I have experienced things that I never imaged I would and experienced more than I had hoped I would in six years let alone six months. So I hope that I do learn to make the most of each day and not to worry about tomorrow, but I pray too that in the midst of that, that I will never forget that friendships beat experiences every time.