Episode 61 - Free to Fall

No matter what I’ve faced in life, people have always been able to make a massive impact on what I’m facing. To make good out of the bad, or to turn what was good sour. Sometimes this opportunity and its effects are obvious, but more often than not they are subtle little interactions which have the power to shape my world, the choice between acceptance and judgement, the little things that unite together to build me up or tear me down. This week I have had the privilege to visit the college I went to in preparation for going to Papua New Guinea. It has been amazing to spend time in a place full of people who so openly show their love for me, who are intentional about finding the time out of their busy college schedules to come alongside me, to support and encourage me, and to pray with me.

I walk with a stick. Sometimes I get involuntary leg movements, which when I’m walking make me stumble. The stick helps stop me from falling over. I don’t really need the stick. If I fall over, I can just get back up again. I’m pretty clumsy and have been falling over all of my life, so why should I start worrying about it now!? The truth is, since I got ill I’ve not really known how I’m supposed to behave. Sometimes I shake a little, which is weird so I try to hide it because I don’t want to freak people out or for them to worry about me. By the same measure I’m aware that I’m not well, and so feel that I should behave like I’m not well – that is to say that I shouldn’t even think about doing things that unwell people can’t do – as though all ill people are the same…

While I’ve been here God did something amazing in me, through all the wonderful people here who have accepted me as I am and have prayed with me. No He didn’t heal me as I thought He might, but He has set me free from me illness in some way. He has stopped me from letting it hold me back in ways I don’t need to. I still get tired easily. I still find it hard to think clearly sometimes. I still shake sometimes. I still stumble and fall sometimes. But in the last few days I have done things I never thought I would be able to. I have felt so well accepted here that I’ve felt able to open myself up and make myself vulnerable. To try things even though I’d stumble and probably make a fool of myself. To reveal my weakness even though I’ve previously felt I’ve had to hide it. And strangely to show what strength I have too even though I’d previously felt like I wasn’t supposed to have it. I have danced and played volleyball (not well, but I’ve never been able to play well so I shouldn’t expect too much). God has performed a miraculous change, not in my body, but in my mind. Sure I got really tired, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t rest later. Sure I fell over sometimes, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t get back up again.

So this week’s blog post is a celebration. A celebration of God and all that He does for me, and of all the amazing people He has brought into my life who accept me and build me up. And it’s also a reminder. A reminder that sometimes I let life hold me back when I shouldn’t. And a reminder that even interactions that seem inconsequential to me can have a huge impact on the people around me.