Episode 142 - Listening in the Fog

I often talk to God. This is culturally quite acceptable, it’s called prayer. I also believe God talks to me. This is probably less cultural acceptable but never mind, it is what it is. I have been praying a lot recently about certain things that are going on in my life. Previously I have felt a clear calling to be patient in the situation and simply trust God and wait on Him. That suddenly changed and I felt God stirring something inside me, preparing me because He was going to do something about my situation. That was great, except that it was both unclear and terribly vague. My first reaction to this was to distrust it, not that I don’t trust God, but perhaps He hadn’t spoken at all and I was just hearing whispers of what I wanted to hear. This gave birth to fear, I ultimately knew that this was from God, but was afraid to believe it in case nothing happened, and I was left disappointed. Which was unfounded because after all God has done for me already, I know that He doesn’t disappoint. After this came apprehension. I now knew that something would change, but I didn’t know what. I didn’t know what future to prepare for or imagine. I didn’t know if I’d actually like what would come. Which is silly because God always works things for our good, no matter how hard they may seem and He truly knows how to give good gifts and knows what’s best for us even if it’s not what we’d choose for ourselves.

Then there was a sense of frustration because I didn’t know what God was going to do, so I didn’t know what I should do, and I didn’t know how to help the situation. Which was ridiculous because let’s be honest, God really doesn’t need my help. Then there was a sense that I should start trying hard to be extra good and not make any mistakes in my spiritual life and do more “good” things. As though the outcome of God’s involvement in my life was in someway dependant upon me. Which is insane. God is not fooled or manipulated into acting in certain ways, and even better His grace and love towards us does not come from what we do, but rather from who He is. And after all that was dealt with, what remained was God’s peace. Still very nervous and maybe even scared for what would come, but safe knowing that whatever comes God is with me and is working it all out. And lastly, from that peace came an overwhelming desire to worship God, not because I should, or to get a reward, but just because of who God is and all He has done, is doing and will do for me.