Episode 143 - Waiting

We now live in an instant world where waiting is becoming increasingly unpopular. There’s nothing like buffering screens, shopping queues and traffic jams to wind up the general public. I like to think than on the whole I am quite a patient person. I sometimes pick the longest queue at the supermarket to give myself more time to stop and think, and there are even somethings that I enjoy waiting for. I enjoy waiting for Christmas for example, somehow the build up adds to the excitement of getting to spend time together as a family. Even as a child waiting for presents at Christmas I was easily able to wait because I knew that the time would come and even though I didn’t know what I’d get, I knew that it would be good (because my parents are excellent present givers).

What no-one ever told me as a child was that life is full of waiting. Not just the little stuff like waiting in line at the check-out, but the big stuff too; our hopes and our dreams. The difference with those is that there’s no knowing if they’re coming at all and if they do there’s no saying it’ll turn out to our liking. It can be so hard waiting for the future when we don’t know what it holds. I might never know what my future holds but I do know who holds my future, and I think this is what I too easily forget. Sometimes I need to ask myself if I’ve forgotten. And if I haven’t, then I need to ask myself why I’m hurting and why I’m worried, because I might not know what He’s got for me, but I know He’s got something, and I know it’s coming, and I know it’s good, because God is the best present giver of all.

Episode 142 - Listening in the Fog

I often talk to God. This is culturally quite acceptable, it’s called prayer. I also believe God talks to me. This is probably less cultural acceptable but never mind, it is what it is. I have been praying a lot recently about certain things that are going on in my life. Previously I have felt a clear calling to be patient in the situation and simply trust God and wait on Him. That suddenly changed and I felt God stirring something inside me, preparing me because He was going to do something about my situation. That was great, except that it was both unclear and terribly vague. My first reaction to this was to distrust it, not that I don’t trust God, but perhaps He hadn’t spoken at all and I was just hearing whispers of what I wanted to hear. This gave birth to fear, I ultimately knew that this was from God, but was afraid to believe it in case nothing happened, and I was left disappointed. Which was unfounded because after all God has done for me already, I know that He doesn’t disappoint. After this came apprehension. I now knew that something would change, but I didn’t know what. I didn’t know what future to prepare for or imagine. I didn’t know if I’d actually like what would come. Which is silly because God always works things for our good, no matter how hard they may seem and He truly knows how to give good gifts and knows what’s best for us even if it’s not what we’d choose for ourselves.

Then there was a sense of frustration because I didn’t know what God was going to do, so I didn’t know what I should do, and I didn’t know how to help the situation. Which was ridiculous because let’s be honest, God really doesn’t need my help. Then there was a sense that I should start trying hard to be extra good and not make any mistakes in my spiritual life and do more “good” things. As though the outcome of God’s involvement in my life was in someway dependant upon me. Which is insane. God is not fooled or manipulated into acting in certain ways, and even better His grace and love towards us does not come from what we do, but rather from who He is. And after all that was dealt with, what remained was God’s peace. Still very nervous and maybe even scared for what would come, but safe knowing that whatever comes God is with me and is working it all out. And lastly, from that peace came an overwhelming desire to worship God, not because I should, or to get a reward, but just because of who God is and all He has done, is doing and will do for me.

Episode 141 - Collapsing Vacuum

The Machines I look after at work use (super) high frequency radio waves to accelerate subatomic particles (electrons) along a wave guide. Now that all sounds pretty fancy, but to put it another way; they fire tiny things down big empty tubes. The key word here is empty. Because when you get down to looking at really small stuff, nothing is ever empty, just less full. The tubes in the machines I look after need to be as not full as possible. The electrons going down the tube might hit anything left in it. Not only would that mean that they wouldn’t get to the end, but even worse; the collision would also make more stuff for the electrons behind it to crash into too. This week at work I had to replace the part that creates the electrons and therefore had to open the tube, meaning that it was no longer empty because all the air from outside could get in (we actually filled it with nitrogen rather than letting air get inside for boring reasons that you don’t want me to explain). After I had finished, before we could use the machine again I needed to empty the tube by attaching a pump to suck everything out. 

After pumping it for a few hours the sensors showed that the tube was very empty and all looked good. If you didn’t know what was going on you would think you would be able to use the machine again, but that would be a very bad idea. It would work for a very short time before the tube filled up again and if the machine was stopped quickly, it would be full again and something would probably be broken in the process. This is because the pump had only got rid of the stuff that was loose in the tube. As the machine was switched on the stuff that had gotten stuck to or even embedded in the side of the tube begins to work loose. Then the electrons hit that stuff and make even more stuff. To avoid this you need to start very slowly. First sending down just a few radio waves. Then a bit more and a bit more. Then eventually adding some electrons. And then some more and some more. All the while taking lots of breaks making sure not to push it too far. Through this process, eventually the tube becomes empty enough for the machine to work properly.

I think sometimes I’m a bit like that tube. Everything is normal and fine. I’m able to do what I feel I want to be and should be doing. But then something happens and life becomes messy. It’s not always a bad thing in itself, just something big which upsets the rhythm of my life. And then my life becomes full of things that seem to get in the way of me doing what I should be doing or being who I want to be. Things fill up my time and occupy my thoughts which get in the way of me being who I want to be and the more I carry on trying the more stuff there seems to be to get in the way. Eventually I realise that something is wrong and I need to fix it and so I take a break. I rest and let it clear away. But I think maybe I’m too quick to want to believe that that’s all that’s needed and want to dive back in without look at things that have become hidden buried in the sides of the walls just waiting to come out as soon as I start again. And when I do return to normality everything seems fine at first, but then I am quickly left wondering where all the stuff that consumes me has come back from. I pray God gives me the patience and wisdom to take clearing out the things that get in the way both more seriously and more methodically.