Next week marks a year since I first displayed any symptoms
of being ill. And although little progress has been made in finding a way back
to health, God has clearly used this time to help me grow personally. And
whilst progress in the matter of getting better may have been slow, it is most
definitely there – with the biggest step forward probably being made this week
when I went to a Neurological Physiotherapy department (who knew that there was
such a thing?) for a screening appointment. For the first time during my
illness, I saw someone who sounded like they would be able to help me, rather
than passing me on to another department or sending my away empty handed. And
whilst it was only a screening appointment and it is still early days, I must
confess to being filled with cautious anticipation and hope.
It is a major breakthrough, but this is just the beginning
and I suspect the path forward from here will not be an easy one. As it was
only the screening appointment, a course of action has not yet been decided
upon, but it would seem that whatever the plan is, it will involve pushing
myself into activities which make me uncomfortable and which for the short-term
at least will make my symptoms worse. This is hard for me for two reasons: the
first of which is the unsurprising fact that I would like to avoid my symptoms
getting worse as they aren’t particularly pleasant.
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| The kind of crazy looking equipment that can be found in a Neurology Physiotherapy Department |
The second reason is that history seems to be against me. I
should explain; when I first became ill I too decided that my best chance of
recovery was to push myself slowly into doing more things until I was able to
live my life as normal again. And so I tried. And tried. And tried. Until I
just couldn’t anymore and I realised that I not only wasn’t making any progress
at all, but that I was actually making myself worse. And so I stopped pushing
myself and instead withdrew myself to a place where my symptoms were far more
manageable. It would therefore be easy to think that this pursuit will be in
vain. However, this time there is one thing different; I have the guidance of
someone who knows and understands what it is I’m fighting with and how it
works.
As I thought about this and re-secured my hope, I realised
that my present situation is not too dissimilar to one which seems to have
played-out through my life over and over again. You see often in life I
struggle with things, with life itself, whether it’s a situation or a character
trait. And so I try to deal with it by facing up to it, ready for the
difficulty that comes with it. And so I try and try and try, until finally I
can take no more and so I give up, or give in, or just simply run away from it
having achieved nothing. Eventually I realise that the problem was that I was
doing it on my own when all along there was someone willing to help me. Not
only willing, but truthfully, also the only person who could help me because He
knows what I’m fighting and can give me the strength and direction to get
through it. And it’s always the same person – God. So I’ll try to stop fighting
my life on my own and try to ask the only one who already has all the answers
for direction more often!
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