Episode 110 - I Don't Know Where I'm Going

I was talking with a friend recently and he shared a wonderful prayer with me which was written by a man called Thomas Merton. It was wonderful in fact, that I decided that this week I'd share it with you, so here it is!..

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

Episode 109 - Special Delivery

Over the years I have visited the airport with my parents on numerous occasions. There's something about the journey that instantly brings up a whole range of emotions from past trips; excitement and nervousness, the anticipation of stepping out into a new adventure and leaving familiarity behind at least for a little while as I wave goodbye to my parents and watch them drive away. But yesterday the journey went differently. This time it was them who got out and waved whilst I drove away. Okay, there was some poetic licence used in that last sentence, my point is that this time it was them who were getting an aeroplane not me. They didn't actually wave to me as I drove off. That's because I insisted on walking them to the check out desk and explaining everything that would happen once they walked through the magic corridor along which I could not follow them. Just to be clear, between them they've flown once in the last 35 years, so I wasn't being patronising, or at least not without any reason, I was just really nervous for them.

In life, I think I have a tendency to always think of myself as the on who is being taken to the airport. I'm the one going on the journey or the adventure and I'm focused on what I'm doing and on what I'm hoping to achieve. And I think I've also always wanted to be that guy who's going somewhere, after all, who wants to be the driver when you can be the person going on holiday? It was kind of strange driving the car feeling all the usual feelings, only this time feeling them by proxy, feeling them on my parents behalf. It was strange, but also a weird privilege. To share in their journey as opposed to only being in immersed in my own. And another strange thing was that whilst these feeling were familiar to me they felt different to ever they had before, because they no longer existed for me and my circumstance, but for my parents and their current experience. It was strangely humbling to feel something I don't think I could ever feel for myself and to be a part of an adventure that wasn't my own. So from now on when life gives me the opportunity to be a taxi driver (metaphorically, although I am quite happy to give lifts when needed) I will grab it with both hands

Episode 108 - Seeing What’s Not There

When I’m outside and have nothing to do, I like to look to the sky and watch the clouds. As I do, I see all manner of things, Sausage dogs, Dragons and Dinosaurs riding motorbikes all included. Of course I don’t really see these things, I see the clouds which I am able to imagine resembling these things. The human mind is incredible in its creative ability to imagine all sorts of things and to see very plane ordinary things and to imagine them to be something unbelievable and out of this world. It’s not just clouds, its soapy dishwater, patterned carpets and even pancakes. No matter what the canvas though, I am always fully aware that these are mere likenesses not reality.

Yesterday however, as I watched Casper the friendly ghost being chased by a confused narwhal holding a hair drier, I realised something. Sometimes, when I see people, or when I see events unfolding in life, I use my ever so creative mind to fill in the blanks, to create the information I don’t have to help me better understand what is going on. Now there is nothing wrong with this in itself, when done well it helps me engage more fully with what is going around me and makes me better equipped to help with the possible things that may be going on. But then, unlike the clouds or the soapy dishwater, I forget that this information is a creation of my own mind, a probable deviant from reality. And so my perception of what is before me becomes warped. Instead of reserving judgement and remaining open minded, I too quickly judge by appearances and jump to conclusions. I’m sure that’s it not just me, at least I hope it’s not, but either way, whilst it’s okay to form first impressions, I’ll try to remember that they are just Dinosaurs riding motorbikes.

Episode 107 - What's the Point of Going Around and Around in Circles?

Yesterday I did something that I often do on a Sunday afternoon, I watched the Formula 1 Grand Prix. My Mum faithfully sat beside me and watched it with me as she often has done ever since I first started watching it as a young child. When she first started watching it with me she found it hard to understand what I found so entertaining about it. In fact I think she found 22 cars going around and around in circles not only boring, but pointless. What after all was the point? After two hours of racing they all (hopefully) end up exactly where they started and that only after having gone over exactly the same ground somewhere between 44 and 77 times. Of course it seemed pointless to my mum because she had missed the point. The objective was not what she might have wanted to achieve from a Sunday afternoon drive. It was not about where they got to, but how quickly. And every lap the drivers completed may not have got them any further from where they began but which each completed lap they got a step closer to their final objective. Not only that, but with each repeated loop the drivers became better acquainted to circuit they were navigating and were able to go around it faster still.

Okay, I know that to some of you reading this, the whole endeavour of a Formula 1 race will still seem boring and a waste of everyone’s time, but whether or not that is true stands beside my point. Whether or not you enjoy watching motorsport, sometimes life feels like it is just going around and around in circles, doing a lot of travelling but never getting anywhere. Much like a Formula 1 car. When my life feels like this I like to remember my Mum and the Formula 1 because often it’s not that I’m not getting anywhere in life, it’s just that I’m missing the point. Often I think I’m trying to get to some place far away from where I am, when really God wants me to stay exactly where, and to really get to understand the lessons I keep repeating. Other times my misunderstanding of God’s plans and purpose don’t fit nearly so well into this analogy, but the point still remains; I feel like I’m not making any progress because I’m looking at the wrong objective. So when I feel like I’m going around in circles, I like to ask God; “what’s the point?”

Episode 106 - The Great Escape

This week I’ve been having a great time visiting a friend in Cornwall. My friend has a house cat called Hugo. Being a house cat Hugo always stays within the house. This includes the back garden which has a tall custom made fence with spikes on top to prevent any attempts of a break out. Remarkably this works; Hugo can’t get out, neighbouring cats can’t get in and Hugo is safe. Hugo doesn’t seem to particularly like this however. Admittedly it’s difficult to be sure of what exactly Hugo does and does like as he is quite possibly the grumpiest looking cat I have ever set eyes on. Still, the way that he paces along the garden fence, circles the perimeter and sticks his face into every little gap he can find seems to suggest that he has a break for freedom in mind. In fact every morning I half expected to see him riding a motorcycle at full speed towards the fence a little like Steve McQueen in the great escape. Sadly this never happened.

One day however, Hugo did escape. An open window was left unguarded and after a while of not having seen him, once we saw the window we knew he must have taken his opportunity whilst it was there. At first a great wave of worry hit us as we thought about how far away he might already be and about what trouble he could get himself into. This concern was only short lived though, as when we left the front door to look for him we immediately saw him lying on the grass in front of the house. 

The ridiculousness of the situation was apparent to all; having finally got the freedom he has searched for for so long and now having the freedom to go anywhere he wanted to, he chose to stay exactly where he was. I couldn’t help wondering what Hugo was thinking. Did he realise that life outside of his walls wasn’t so great and that he longed to be back in the safety of his home? Or was he regretting not making more of his opportunity to get away from the walls which hold him in? Funnily enough, it’s not just Hugo’s walls that I can’t make my mind up about, but it is also my own. Sometimes I struggle to tell if the boundaries that surround my life are holding me back or keeping me safe; whether or not God wants me to break them down or stay inside them. I guess instead of sneaking out the window I should just ask the Builder and if He wants me to leave them then he can just open the door.

Episode 105 - Flying on Wings Like a Boeing 747

This weekend I went to the Blackpool air show. I've always enjoyed watching aeroplanes. Not just when they do awesome tricks and upside down and do barrel rolls and loop the loops although that is super cool. But I really also enjoy just seeing them flying normally just sitting in the air as if by magic. I think it's amazing. Something so big somehow able to keep afloat on top of nothing. Now I am a massive geek and a trained engineer, so of course I know Bernoulli’s principle and understand why planes can fly. But that doesn't matter. That for me doesn't take away from incredible fact that they do fly, nor does it take away from the spectacle of seeing them do so. Even more so, as I watch the planes career across the sky it doesn't matter whether at not I understand why they stay in the air, they still will.

This is amazing to me. This incredible thing is happening which allow these mammoth tin cans to float seemingly weightlessly and yet the pilot who needs great amounts of knowledge and skill to control the plane needs no knowledge of the laws of physics which allow it fly to do so. If I watch a huge passenger jet traverse the wide open sky the chances are that very few if any of the passengers on the plane are aware of Bernoulli’s principle, the foundation upon which a planes ability to fly is built upon and yet for the sake of their ignorance it won't suddenly drop out of the sky. Planes fly. Whether you understand why they do or not, they still fly.

Sometimes I can get carried away with the why's and how's of life and sometimes they can be important and useful and helpful. And sometimes they don't matter. Not really. I'm not devaluing knowledge,I would never do that. But sometimes some knowledge is more important than other pieces of knowledge, and sometimes some knowledge is just extraneous. In the case of a passenger on a jumbo jet, knowing that planes CAN fly is much more important than knowing why. Sometimes you just need to trust that the engineer knows what he's doing, leave it to him and just enjoy the ride. I try to follow God through this life but sometimes I get distracted or unbalanced by not how or why everything will work. I should learn a lesson from the aeroplane, trust the one who engineered life itself and just enjoy the ride.

Episode 104 - Driving Each Other Up the Wall

This week I drove a car for the first time in 19 months. The last time I drove I was driving back from the clinic in Papua New Guinea for them to look into whether or not the little jerks I got occasionally were anything to worry about – I even got pulled over by a police man, don’t worry, it was just a routine check. I have to say, getting into the driving seat I was quite nervous, but everything went very well, I didn’t even get pulled over by the police! Beforehand I was worried that I may have forgotten some things or lost my driving instinct but it all came straight back to me. It was just like riding a bike – except with very different pedals and a steering wheel instead of handle bars. 

As I was getting my confidence back, I couldn’t help thinking how strange it was that everyone else driving around me had no idea about my circumstance or experience. I was just another faceless driver to them. And likewise, so were they to me. They could be having the best day of their lives, or their worst. And I wouldn’t know. They may have just been given a promotion – or the sack. They could be on the way to the hospital, to visit a new born relative or a dying one. Or they could just be having a really normal day. Should I treat them any differently depending upon how their day has been? Yet truthfully it seems only fair to have more patience with someone if they’re having a bad day. Should my ignorance to their circumstance be an excuse to my lack of patience? 

It’s easy to dehumanise the other drivers on the road, but I fear that I can be just as flippant with the humanity of all the people I meet during a regularly day. It’s easier not to consider them as people so as to excuse my cold behaviour towards them and even at times allow me to pour out my frustration towards them. And yet allowing myself to feel negatively towards them does nothing to lighten my burden or to cheer my mood. Strangely however, if I stop just seeing the retail worker or the postman or the cold caller, but instead see; Dave the guy who’s just started a new job, or Lucy who’s been walking for three hours in the pouring rain, or Mike who’s got a poorly little girl at home who he’s worried sick about, then something changes inside. Because we’re all people, we all have our frustrations and problems, just as we can all be frustrating and all make mistakes. And so I feel less inclined to feel frustrated and impatient towards them and more likely to feel compassion towards them. The negative feelings that slowly gnaw away at me are replaced with love, which actually feels pretty nice. It changes how I behave outwardly, but it also changes how I feel inwardly and it is without doubt I who benefits the most. I will never know the half of what is going on in the lives of those who pass me by, but I won’t allow that to be an excuse to discount their humanity.