Episdode 127 - Loosing Ourselves

These are indeed strange times. Times of great change. And in some ways, even for those of us who haven’t been affected directly by Covid-19, times of significant loss too. We have lost our ability to travel freely. We have lost our ability to meet up with friends. We have lost our routines. We have lost our sense of security both in health and in wealth. But more than this, I think most of us, maybe even all of us, whether known or unknown, have started to loose parts of ourselves.

A couple of years ago I was very seriously ill. To the degree that I wasn’t really able to do much and was stuck for the most part alone in my room, and so this idea of self-isolation is not a new experience to me. As my illness grew worse and my isolation increased, I noticed myself loosing different aspects of who I thought I was. To begin with I had to stop work, and in doing so I lost those parts of my identity which were connected to my work, because often our work is both a huge part of both our lives and who we are. I am an engineer, and so I lost my identity as someone who solves problems and finds solutions, as someone who is good with his hands, as a team leader, and as someone who is respected for their work. As my illness got worse I lost the ability to spend time with people and I not only suffered damage to my relationships, but I also lost the part of my identity that was good with people, that was charismatic and brought joy to other people.

My illness was much worse than the situation we are now in, but I think that in some way, these are losses to ourselves that many of us will face over the coming weeks. Towards the end of my illness I wasn’t really able to do anything much at all to the extent that I lost pretty much all of me. At least most of what I thought made me who I was. Perhaps the worst thing about this was the thought that I had lost every good or attractive quality that I ever had. That there was nothing of me now that was either useful or desirable. But it was in that place that I found out the most incredible thing of all; it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that I had nothing to offer anyone or wasn’t able to do or give anything. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have anything at all, because I still had the one thing that mattered most of all, the thing that was never mine to lose; God’s love for me and my identity in being loved by God. Because at my very essence, that’s who I am. Not any of all that other stuff, which simply grows out of who God made me and who I am in this place of simply being loved by God. Not loved because I had something to give Him, not loved because He needed me or because I know what the difference between the Monegasque and Indonesian flags are. But just loved because He loves me. So in a strange way I had to loose myself to truly find God. And to know that no matter how isolated I am, I’m not alone.

Whilst we're talking about not being alone, check out my friends new song called Not Alone here

Episode 126 -Curiosity Killed the Cat

This week I've been looking after a friend's cat while she's been away. It's amazing how much you can learn just by spending a week with a kitten Not to mention how many challenges I had to overcome each day, possibly the greatest of all being tying my shoelaces in the morning! Of course I learnt a few tricks and developed some new skills to help me on my way, the most commonly used being the art of distraction. For whilst kittens are tenacious and abounding in energy, and despite being able to chase the same piece of string for hours on end, they have very little focus. In fact, with the slightest noise or movement, they will completely forget what it was that they were doing. Struggling to leave the house without them sneaking out too? Simple, just pick up their favorite toy, hurl it into the adjacent room as though it was a hand grenade and then sneak away like a ninja in the night whilst your cat is distracted.

As I watch this kitten chase it's tail whilst precariously balanced atop a scratching post I can't help wondering if I need to be more kitten or less kitten. I wonder if my own tendencies to get distracted by the slightest thing are preventing me from achieving the things I want to our are taking my time away from the people I care most about. And yet by equal measure I can't help admire something about her enthusiasm about everything. Perhaps I've lost something. Even the most plane and boring things seem full of joy to a kitten. Perhaps the mundane things in my life are only so because I fail to see the joy that are hidden within them?

Episode 125 - Remembering the Forgotten

This week I ate a banoffee scone for the first time. As I bit into it and its sweet flavours rolled around my pallet, I was shocked to remember, that this wasn’t actually the first time I’d tasted a banoffee scone at all. I, by my own admittance, have a terrible memory. I can forget (and probably have but it’s hard to be sure) entire conversations and events, name and faces, and PIN numbers with ease. The funny thing is that the strangest of things can bring back memories and knowledge that I didn’t even know I had; 90’s pop songs, bad jokes, and even bad smells can bring back forgotten holidays, forgotten feelings, and even forgotten maths equations.

I think maybe humans inherently have bad memories, at least for certain things. Especially in our age of “too long; didn’t read” character limited twitter feeds and wordless Instagram posts. Not that I’m complaining about those at all, I love a good catchy quote and a word does say a thousand words anyway right? And there’s nothing wrong with living in the moment, in fact it’s a very good thing to do. But being in the moment doesn’t have to come at the cost of not remembering what has come before or the things that have helped shape us along the way. I think maybe when we lose sight of those things, we start to lose parts of who we are too. In the bible God talks a lot about doing things to help remember all that He’s done for His people (usually throwing a party), I think because God knows how prone we are to forget and because He knows how damaging forgetting these things can be for us. I may have a bad memory, but it doesn’t mean I have to forget the things that are important, I just have to decide what things I never want to forget and think of good ways to help me remember them, who doesn’t like a good party anyway!?

Episode 124 - Wanting the best

I’m the kind of guy who always strives to have the best life can offer and to be the best he can be. Now this may surprise you a little, as I’m also the kind of guy who drives an old Toyota and wears scruffy jeans, and is quite happy about it too. I guess this is because what I consider to be the best isn’t always what everyone else might think of! I don’t worry too much about cars, or clothes, or well-paid highly esteemed jobs. I care more about quality relationships and developing better character. And I don’t think that this is a bad thing. The funny thing is though, that whatever you strive for; good, bad or indifferent, there’s always a temptation to continually want more and want better. This in itself once again is not necessarily a bad thing, but wanting more should never get in the way of you enjoying and making the most of what you have. Today God spoke to me not through an hour long sermon, but through a simple one sentence quote by A. W. Tozer; “when a man has met God he is not looking for anything because he has found it”. When I stumbled across that this morning, I realised that whilst it is good to try to be better and to do better, I will never have anything better than what I already have in God. I really should live like it too.

Episode 123 - Digging Holes Just To Fill Them In Again

For the last couple of weeks I have been helping to make foundations for an extension to a building. We use the analogy of building foundations a lot in our everyday life, whether it be about relationships, or business projects, or anything else. But having now helped to create actual foundations, I think from now on it will have a deeper meaning. The most striking observation that I have made of the process so far is the seeming absurdity of the whole thing; you work really hard to dig out a big hole, then you work really hard to fill it back in again. And at the end of it all, nothing much seems to have changed other than all your clothes are now redecorated in cement.

There are two things to note from this. Firstly, building foundations is hard work! Like really hard work! The second is that whilst it appears like no progress has been made, it’s just that; appearance. The work which has been done is hidden, but it is no less valuable or effective for it. It can be quite disheartening to put in all that effort and see very little change and yet in reality what has been achieved is the most important work and determines the effectiveness of everything that will follow. Unless you clear out all of the rubbish underneath well and dig deep enough, and then fill it properly with good quality cement, all that is built upon it will suffer and most likely ultimately fail. How often in life do we feel like we’re just going around in circles and making no progress at all? I wonder how often in those situations maybe we have made great progress, just our work has been hidden. I also fearfully wonder how often I caused future trouble for myself by not working diligently enough at things that I could not instantly see the fruit of.

Episode 122 - Keeping Your Feet on the Ground

This week I joined a Frisbee club. I have to admit I was a little nervous having never been part of a Frisbee club, but thankfully no-one took it too seriously and it was a lot of fun. It was a warm sunny day and the ground was dry. The funny thing about grass though, is that even when it’s dry, it’s slippery. On TV it’s the banana skin that’s king of the unexpected slippery substance list, in real life though, grass has to be up there somewhere. Every time I tried to turn quickly or come to a sudden stop, my feet would slide out from underneath me and I would end up in a heap on the ground. The famous expression which extolled the need to keep one’s feet on the ground came to mind. But what does it really mean?

We tend to immediately think it calls for the need to sacrifice excitement, or creativity, or adventure, to make place for caution and sensibility and seriousness. Our culture often tells us that we are either one or the other, that the two cannot coincide. Indeed, I did sacrifice in order to keep my feet on the ground. I moved less, and when I did I moved less suddenly. I did in fact keep my feet on the ground, but at what cost? I became unable to create much space and had to settle for less incisive passing, in short, I became a worse player, but one which was at least stood upright. But if we keep our feet on the ground by not moving at all have we really gained anything at all? 

Well in the end I decided no, I just gave into falling over sometimes. And after the game what really should have been obvious was expressed by one of the other players; what I really needed was a pair of studded boots. Perhaps that’s what we all need life; something to help us adhere our creativity to caution and our seriousness to our adventure. Perhaps even, what our world needs are people who are willing to be those studded boots and hold the two worlds together.

Episode 121 - Lost Bees

As I walked down the street the other day, I realised that I had picked up a passenger along the way. No, someone hadn’t stealthily jumped on my and taken a piggy back ride without me noticing, my passenger was not a person, but a bee. I looked down and right in the middle of my jumper was a little white tailed bumble bee. He remained there seemingly contented for the duration of my fifteen minute walk. And as I walked I watched him as he walked around a little a repeatedly pawed at my jumper with his little hands (or whatever it is that a bee has at the end of its arms/legs…). Now not being an entomologist I don’t really have a clue what he was doing, but to me it looked for all the world like he was trying to gather nectar from my jumper. 

Which if he really was, was crazy because not only was it not a flower, it in no way resembled a flower, it wasn’t brightly coloured and didn’t really smell particularly nice either (not that I’m saying my clothes smell bad…). But the craziest thing of all is that after fifteen minutes of trying and presumable failing, he was still unable to see his mistake! As I watched him persist in his mistake I gained sympathy for my new little friend. I realised how easy it is to get trapped by your mistakes. How sometimes it can be very hard to see that what is going wrong is not some small detail, but rather the very thing you were so convicted about in the beginning. I pray to God that I may have the humility to see the places where I have mistaken woolly jumpers for flowers so that I might not waste my time trying to harvest where there is no nectar!