Episdode 127 - Loosing Ourselves

These are indeed strange times. Times of great change. And in some ways, even for those of us who haven’t been affected directly by Covid-19, times of significant loss too. We have lost our ability to travel freely. We have lost our ability to meet up with friends. We have lost our routines. We have lost our sense of security both in health and in wealth. But more than this, I think most of us, maybe even all of us, whether known or unknown, have started to loose parts of ourselves.

A couple of years ago I was very seriously ill. To the degree that I wasn’t really able to do much and was stuck for the most part alone in my room, and so this idea of self-isolation is not a new experience to me. As my illness grew worse and my isolation increased, I noticed myself loosing different aspects of who I thought I was. To begin with I had to stop work, and in doing so I lost those parts of my identity which were connected to my work, because often our work is both a huge part of both our lives and who we are. I am an engineer, and so I lost my identity as someone who solves problems and finds solutions, as someone who is good with his hands, as a team leader, and as someone who is respected for their work. As my illness got worse I lost the ability to spend time with people and I not only suffered damage to my relationships, but I also lost the part of my identity that was good with people, that was charismatic and brought joy to other people.

My illness was much worse than the situation we are now in, but I think that in some way, these are losses to ourselves that many of us will face over the coming weeks. Towards the end of my illness I wasn’t really able to do anything much at all to the extent that I lost pretty much all of me. At least most of what I thought made me who I was. Perhaps the worst thing about this was the thought that I had lost every good or attractive quality that I ever had. That there was nothing of me now that was either useful or desirable. But it was in that place that I found out the most incredible thing of all; it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that I had nothing to offer anyone or wasn’t able to do or give anything. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have anything at all, because I still had the one thing that mattered most of all, the thing that was never mine to lose; God’s love for me and my identity in being loved by God. Because at my very essence, that’s who I am. Not any of all that other stuff, which simply grows out of who God made me and who I am in this place of simply being loved by God. Not loved because I had something to give Him, not loved because He needed me or because I know what the difference between the Monegasque and Indonesian flags are. But just loved because He loves me. So in a strange way I had to loose myself to truly find God. And to know that no matter how isolated I am, I’m not alone.

Whilst we're talking about not being alone, check out my friends new song called Not Alone here