Episode 92 - Party!

So unfortunately I must start this weeks blog with a confession. I'm afraid I haven't written a blog this week, but it is for a most wonderful reason. This weekend a two friends of mine got married (to each other). To be honest, only a few weeks ago I really wasn't looking forward to it. Being ill and looking in on your friends from the side-lines whilst they have fun can be hard no matter how happy you are for them. So now that I'm better, being able to really be part of the celebration has been incredible. To be able to come down early in the week and help prepare for the celebration whilst catching up with old friends has been quite incredible. I have been able to connect with people in a way that I haven't been able to for so long. And as it turns out, I'm also able to party in a way that I haven't been able to for so long too! So I'm sorry that this isn't a proper blog, but here's a rare picture of me dancing to make up for it! And no, I'm afraid I still no good at dancing!..

Episode 91 - Everything Old is New Again

When a baby is born into the world, everything is new. Everything. Every sight, every smell, every moment is a new experience. To begin with it all mixes together to form an overwhelming cacophony of newness until eventually things start to become familiar and normal. With every new experience there is new delight (or sometimes disgust) to be found. In some ways I can very much relate. I like to think that I’ve always been one to enjoy life, but having spent over a year sheltered away through illness, now that I’m re-emerging into the world everything seems to have a new brightness to it. Things I had forgotten about and didn’t even realise I missed come back in vibrant technicolour. Everything from bird song in my ears and a cold wind against my skin to being able perform a cheeky little skip when I think no-one’s looking (not that I’m admitting to doing that…)

It’s a good reminder that life is amazing and beautiful. Although though it’s sometimes hard to understand, or sometimes even just plain hard, even then it is still amazing and beautiful. And God is at work in it at all times, and He always gives good gifts to us. I can only hope that this moment and the lessons from this journey can last. I pray that when life starts to seem mundane again and the colour begins to drain from it, I might then remember this time and the colour would begin to flood my world again. Because God is always good. If only I would remember to remember that a little more often!

This week has been the first full week that I have been better and it has been incredibly exciting (in case you hadn’t picked up on that already). I’ve wanted to do everything imaginable! But I haven’t. I have been surprisingly self-restrained. When I got better I felt very strongly that it was important to keep this first week apart from everything else and reserved just for my family and for God (so if I haven’t replied to your email yet, I’m sorry but at least now you know why!) I wanted to save this time as both a mark of respect and an act of love and devotion. And because selfishly although I wanted to do everything and spend time with everyone, they (my family and God) were the people I most wanted to spend my time with and I really wanted to reconnect with them. And I’m very glad I did. Apart from achieving all that I’d hoped for, it made me realise something else very important.

At the beginning of this week I felt like I could do anything, and I mean anything. And I’m not talking Mathew 19:26. At the beginning of the week I think I probably thought that I could climb Everest whilst carrying a rhino and playing a kazoo. I can’t. Playing a kazoo is surprisingly hard. Okay, so I was never very likely to try to do any of that, but I think I would have very gladly booked up every second of every minute of the rest of the year and been convinced that it wouldn’t have been too much. I was wrong. My lovely physio pointed out this week that I had done virtually no exercise whatsoever for over a year, which meant that it would take time for me to regain my physical fitness no matter how great I felt. Not only that, but the same applied to my mental state too. He told me that I need to take things slowly and the even just a twenty minute walk would leave me feeling worn out. He was right. A fact I unwittingly proved shortly after the appointment. So I will follow my physio’s advice and realise that this advice is for much more than just this one time in my life.

You see, this isn’t the first new chapter in my life and looking back I can see a pattern. In the excitement of the new beginning, the new direction, the calling I feel from God, I want to respond instantly. I want to do everything at once. I want to dive straight in and do everything right away. Which just isn’t possible. And all too easily I can find myself overwhelmed with everything happening at once. And then all too easily the important things in life can get pushed out by the urgent things in life. Things that only exist so quickly and so urgently because I rushed in too soon. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Not even Roger Bannister could win a marathon in the first mile. So I will take this new beginning slowly and ease myself into this next chapter of my life. I hope that from now on whatever new chapters come my way, I will always take time to pause and let God be my pace setter.

Episode 90 - Healing Hand

Some things in life are easy to explain, like the offside rule or why balancing my phone on top of my glass of water was a bad idea. Other things are much harder to understand, like Bitcoin, Modern art and how to fill in a tax return. In many ways, my past year or so is firmly placed in the latter category. I became ill for seemingly no apparent reason. Along with many other peculiar symptoms, I suffered from a strange tension like feeling inside my body which expressed itself outwardly as uncontrolled movements in my arms and legs, I got very bad headaches, had very little energy and lived with a cloud over my mind so it was hard to think clearly, converse or really do that much at all. It began quite mildly but continued to get worse as time went on. The Doctors looked and looked and performed their tests but were never able to form a solid diagnosis.

But during this time, prayers from hundreds of people from all over the world have been raised to God on my behalf. Thank you so much if your prayers are in that number, they not only mean an awful lot to me personally, they are also powerful and effective – even if we don’t see their results immediately. If the course of the past year had been hard to understand, then what has happened in the last week has been nearly impossible to get my head around. Fortunately, it’s as easy to explain as it is difficult to fully comprehend.

Last Sunday, Becky (my Girlfriend) felt prompted by God to pray over me. She realised that though she had facilitated lots of prayer for me, she had never actually prayed over me herself. In truth, she easily allowed herself to fade into the background because she felt unconfident in her own prayers, particularly when surrounded by so many people with great experience and eloquent speech. But on Sunday night she really felt that God wanted her to pray over me, particularly over each part of my body in turn. And so she did. She didn’t pretend to know what was wrong with me, or even to know what to say. But she knew that God knew what to do and so she prayed.

As she started to pray I began shaking violently all over, which is something which happens with my illness sometimes. She started with my head and she prayed over it. Then when she had finished praying over my head she prayed over my neck. Then my shoulders. Then my chest and my back. You’re probably getting the picture, you know what the human body looks like.

Then she prayed over my upper arms and as she did, I started to realise that they were shaking less until they were completely still. Then she prayed over my forearms and the same thing happened again. And then again with my hands. And my whole upper body was still. But my legs on the other hand, they were still flailing around like they had a life of their own. So she prayed over my thighs and they became still. And then my calves and they became still. And then my feet and they became still. And my whole body was completely still except for my toes that were still wiggling away. So finally she prayed for my toes and they became still. And I was completely still. From my head to my toes. For the first time really since coming back from Papua New Guinea.

Over the next few days we continued to pray and many people prayed with me and for me, and by Wednesday morning, all of my symptoms had gone. The tiredness, the shaking, the headaches and the fog over my mind. I felt completely transformed, like I was a new man! It feels amazing in a way I can’t really describe (but that I’m sure I’ll attempt to over the next few blogs as I get used to having myself back). I’m very much still getting used to it, but it is more wonderful than words describe. And I don’t think that there is much else I can say other than praise God for He is mighty and wonderful and He has healed me! And to thank you for sharing in my journey by reading these blogs. For sharing in my frustration and pain during this time. And that now I hope you can share in my joy too! Praise the Lord!

Episode 89 - Who We Are Instead

There was a time when I thought I had a pretty clear idea of who I was, but now since I became ill I’m not so sure. I used to think that I was good with my hands but now I can rarely keep them from shaking. I used to think that I was a good problem solver but now I don’t seem able to take very much in at all. I used to think I was pretty smart but the other day I flushed the toilet instead of pulling the light switch and sat on the toilet in the dark trying to work out what I’d done wrong. I thought that I was personable but now I struggle spending time in other’s company as it makes my illness worse. I thought I was good at expressing myself but I find it increasingly harder to make myself understood. I thought I was a good storyteller but even finding the right words for this feels like grasping at straws. I used to think that I was fit but now I can barely make the five minute walk on the streets around our house. I thought I was enduring but sometimes I just want to give up. I thought I was emotionally strong but sometimes I just want to break down in tears (and sometimes I do). I thought I was patient but I just want this to be over already. I thought I was wise but sometimes I don’t know what to make of any of this.

And yet I am still distinctly me, a different version of myself, yes. Perhaps a version of myself which I am not so fond of, but I am still me. And despite the struggles I have with this new me and all the qualities I seem to have lost, two amazing things still hold true. The first incredible thing is that God loves me no less. Despite all the things I am no longer able to do, despite the fact that in so many ways I feel like much less of the person I was, God is still as proud of me and as pleased with me as He has ever been. Because God’s love is not dependent on who I am but on who He is. I am still me and He is the only one who truly understands this (including myself) because He is the only one who knows me and understands me completely. So none of these changes come as a surprise to Him nor distract Him from the person I am. And because He never loved me because I deserved it, because I never did. He loved me just because He did. And He still does. And He always will.

Similarly, the second remarkable thing is that despite all the qualities and abilities I have lost, my ability to serve God and to please Him has not lessened at all. Because in much the same way, my ability to live for God is not dependent upon who I am, but on who God is. God never invited me to live my life for Him because of any great qualities I possess but because in His grace it pleased Him to include me in all that He was doing. He is God after all, it’s not like He needed help, but rather wants to let us share in His work. We can never truly achieve anything for God (not based on our own merits) but rather, God chooses to achieve great things through us (and sometime despite us). So next time I feel like I have lost my value, I will remember all this and pray that I allow God to use me with all I lack in whatever way He chooses. As Paul wrote; “He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

Faith Enough by Jars of Clay

The ice is thin enough for walkin'
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talkin'
The world is crumblin' but I know why
The world is crumblin' but I know why

The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I'm home enough to know I'm lost
Home enough to know I'm lost

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight

The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe

Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I'm blind
And see enough to know I'm blind

Should the world rely on faith tonight

Episode 88 - What if...?

I don’t know about you, but I often find myself asking the question; what if…? The world is full of possibilities and sometimes I like to explore them. Sometimes it’s just for the fun of imagining a different reality, like what if Dinosaurs aren’t really extinct, but they’re just really good at hiding? Or what if the Queen is really a Dalek in disguise? More often though, the thoughts are actual possibilities that bare some pertinence to my life. What if I started doing this or stopped doing that. But this isn’t a question that is limited only to future possibilities. I also often find myself asking “What if…?” about things that have already happened, about events in the past, like what if I hadn’t have done that or had done the other.

Now this isn’t as fun as wondering about the possibility of the moon actually being made of cheese. Nor is it immediately as obviously useful as considering possible courses of action before taking one. It does however have its uses. It provides a way to reflect upon what we have done, maybe correct any mistakes we’ve made or learn to do something different the next time we’re in a similar situation. It is though, not without its dangers. Much like guilt, if this pattern of thought is held onto longer than its initial usefulness, it can begin to weigh us down and unhelpfully make us dwell on our mistakes. I even find that as a Christian, it can affect the way I view God.

It becomes easy to think if I’d have behaved in a different way, then maybe God would have done something different in my life and I can accidently view my relationship with God as something very formulaic and almost robotic; I do good things God will bless me, if I do bad things God will punish me. This is actually a little bit ridiculous because the whole concept of the “what if” question is completely irrelevant to God for two reasons. The first is that from the very beginning of time, He already knew all that would unfold in time. He already knows everything that will happen, which means He has no need to consider alternative realities because He knows that no alternatives will ever happen.

Secondly and even more amazingly, He also already knows every possible combination of events and every tiny detail of their consequences that could ever happen, which means that He doesn’t have to think “what if..?” because He already knows! He even already knows the exact difference that something as seemingly insignificant as you missing breakfast or buying a different pair of shoes would make! And furthermore, there isn’t a single thing that we could do to change the way that He thinks about us.

This radically changes the way I see God. The most obvious example of this is the way I view Jesus dying on a cross in order that I might be able to know God. For a God who has to ask “what if…?”, this is the action of someone who invested in a people who then let Him down and so to make something out of His investment had to come up with a plan to make the best of a bad situation; namely Jesus on a cross.

But for a God who has no need to ask “what if…?”, this is no longer the case. Jesus hanging on a cross does not speak of a God who took a risk on Mankind, but rather of a God who knew (not expected, but knew with absolute certainty) Mankind would fail, but chose to make and love them anyway, already knowing exactly what it would cost Him; namely, Jesus on a cross. And so it is in every aspect of our lives. There is nothing good we could do to make Him love us more, nor no bad thing we could do to make Him withhold the good things He plans for us. There is nothing we can do to surprise God. Yet God’s love never ceases to surprise me every day.

Episode 87 - Merry Christmas!

By happy coincidence this weeks blog falls on Christmas day! With that it mind it seems only right and proper to dedicate it to wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and to break out this old treasure from the Joey archives too...

Episode 86 - Something's coming...

It is now December. Christmas trees are appearing in town centres and Christmas adverts have already been on the TV for weeks. This week I opened the first (and then second and third) doors on my MAF advent calendar. It’s the beginnings of the build up to Christmas and already my heart is starting to get excited, although it doesn’t really feel like Christmas yet – probably because it’s still three weeks away. Now I am usually one of the first to suggest that Christmas is really far more commercial than is probably healthy, and that it is ridiculous that certain shopping centres put up decorations as early as the beginning of November, and that in many ways people seem to have lost the focus of what Christmas is about. But even so, I have to admit that I actually love the Christmas hype. It all adds to the suspense and the atmosphere, and the feeling that something truly significant and important is coming soon.

Nothing says Christmas like an aeroplane - It's red and everything!

And of course it is – Christmas, when we celebrate the day that Jesus, fully man yet fully God come to earth to live a perfect human life, with suffering but yet without fault, all so that man might know God. One of the greatest days in human history so far, only surpassed by the day He died on a cross so that nothing would stand in the way of us knowing God for ourselves. I mean, this is the stuff of legend, of Hollywood blockbusters, and of folk songs. And yet all of this, so I believe, is true – now that’s surely worth the hype and something worth celebrating!

The Christmas story is full of climax and the building of tension, from choirs of angels, to worshiping shepherds, to a bright shining star which guided belated wise men with their gifts from afar. And just as this major event in the story of the world seems to have its very own narration with both the heavens and the earth acknowledging the significance of this moment, so too, the defining moments of our lives sometimes seem to have a similar narration. Whether it’s the words of those around us, the raincloud that seems to open in sympathy with our circumstances or the look of the moon which always knows how to reflect the mood of my soul. Sometimes the world seems to know exactly what we’re going through. And sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes the world just seems to carry on, running its own merry course, oblivious to the magnitude of what we are going through. Mary must have felt like that often on her journey. Not least of all when she was in labour far from home and with nowhere to go.

How do you always know how I feel Mr Moon my old friend?

As Christmas comes, for some of us it will be a highlight in a time of joy and prosperity. For others it will be a welcome break in a hectic schedule, something to look forward to. To others still it will be something to be endured with the promise of a return to normality afterward. And to others it will be just another day in a life full of daily struggles. And Jesus came into this world for every one of us. Regardless of circumstance or situation, He came for all of us. And even if no-one else in the world recognises what we are going through, He does. And He came for us, to share what we are going through, whether joy or pain. And He understands for He has already experienced the joy and the pain that this life has to offer. This is what I celebrate. Jesus, who came to live amongst us, so that He might know us, despite what it would cost Him. Who knows fully all that we are and all that we are going through, and yet is never deterred by it. Who loves us completely and did it all just so we might know Him too. And that’s worth more than just celebrating – it’s worth the worship of my heart.