Episode 89 - Who We Are Instead

There was a time when I thought I had a pretty clear idea of who I was, but now since I became ill I’m not so sure. I used to think that I was good with my hands but now I can rarely keep them from shaking. I used to think that I was a good problem solver but now I don’t seem able to take very much in at all. I used to think I was pretty smart but the other day I flushed the toilet instead of pulling the light switch and sat on the toilet in the dark trying to work out what I’d done wrong. I thought that I was personable but now I struggle spending time in other’s company as it makes my illness worse. I thought I was good at expressing myself but I find it increasingly harder to make myself understood. I thought I was a good storyteller but even finding the right words for this feels like grasping at straws. I used to think that I was fit but now I can barely make the five minute walk on the streets around our house. I thought I was enduring but sometimes I just want to give up. I thought I was emotionally strong but sometimes I just want to break down in tears (and sometimes I do). I thought I was patient but I just want this to be over already. I thought I was wise but sometimes I don’t know what to make of any of this.

And yet I am still distinctly me, a different version of myself, yes. Perhaps a version of myself which I am not so fond of, but I am still me. And despite the struggles I have with this new me and all the qualities I seem to have lost, two amazing things still hold true. The first incredible thing is that God loves me no less. Despite all the things I am no longer able to do, despite the fact that in so many ways I feel like much less of the person I was, God is still as proud of me and as pleased with me as He has ever been. Because God’s love is not dependent on who I am but on who He is. I am still me and He is the only one who truly understands this (including myself) because He is the only one who knows me and understands me completely. So none of these changes come as a surprise to Him nor distract Him from the person I am. And because He never loved me because I deserved it, because I never did. He loved me just because He did. And He still does. And He always will.

Similarly, the second remarkable thing is that despite all the qualities and abilities I have lost, my ability to serve God and to please Him has not lessened at all. Because in much the same way, my ability to live for God is not dependent upon who I am, but on who God is. God never invited me to live my life for Him because of any great qualities I possess but because in His grace it pleased Him to include me in all that He was doing. He is God after all, it’s not like He needed help, but rather wants to let us share in His work. We can never truly achieve anything for God (not based on our own merits) but rather, God chooses to achieve great things through us (and sometime despite us). So next time I feel like I have lost my value, I will remember all this and pray that I allow God to use me with all I lack in whatever way He chooses. As Paul wrote; “He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

Faith Enough by Jars of Clay

The ice is thin enough for walkin'
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talkin'
The world is crumblin' but I know why
The world is crumblin' but I know why

The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I'm home enough to know I'm lost
Home enough to know I'm lost

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight

The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe

Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I'm blind
And see enough to know I'm blind

Should the world rely on faith tonight