Episode 146 - Love is a choice

There’s an old story of a woman who had grown to detest her husband. She goes to her lawyer and tells him that she wants to divorce her husband. Not only that but she really wanted to hurt him and take him for everything that he had. The lawyer thought about this and replied that if she really wanted to hurt him what she should do is to spend the next month being the perfect wife, doting on her husband and acting like she really loved him with all of her heart. The woman looked confused so the lawyer explained, this way your husband will become dependent upon you and see you as the most wonderful thing in his life and then when you divorce him you will take away everything he could ever want in life and hurt him more than anything else could. The woman began to smile realising how clever the lawyers plan was and agreed to do just as he suggested. A month passed by, the lawyer had the divorce papers ready, but he didn’t hear from the woman. Another month passed and still nothing. After the third month the lawyer decided to call the woman and ask if everything was okay. She said that life had never been better. When He asked if she still wanted to go through with the divorce the woman replied, “oh no! when I acted like I loved my husband, I realised that I really did love him after all”.

It's perhaps a silly and twee story, but it makes a clear point. Love is a curious thing (I mean all types of love, not just romantic love). We know that it’s a feeling, in fact this is what is most clearly expressed by our culture; warm fuzzy feelings and butterflies in the stomach. But we also know that it’s an action; we show love by the things we do. Lastly it’s also a choice we make; we chose to love. Or do we? I think we’ve all probably felt love for someone without choosing to feel that way. Then we have to choose what we do about it, we can act upon it or not. But conversely, we can feel no love for someone and still choose whether or not we act in love. As a Christian I believe that I am only able to love God because He first loved me. He revealed Himself to me and showed me who He was. Recently I’ve been reading the book of Deuteronomy and Chapter 30 showed be something even deeper about this. It says that I’m not able to choose to love God, but it makes an offer, with a promise. It says that if I choose to act like I love God with all I am, then He will make it so that I am able to love with all that I am. Love is a choice. But the choice is how we act not how we feel. Our feelings follow our actions, if we live the other way around then we forfeit our choice.

Episode 145 - Imperfect

 There was a time in my life when I was completely undamaged. Physically I mean. There was a time when I didn't have any scratches or scars, just baby soft smooth skin. Or at least so I'm told,I can't say that I remember it, it certainly didn't last very long. As I got older and started exploring the world I picked up cuts and bruises. And as traumatic as they may (or may not) have been for me, at first I think it was much worse for my mum. With each new mark on my skin her wonderful little baby was getting spoilt by the world around him, maybe in someway becoming a little less perfect. Now of course, she loved me no less, nor thought any less of me for it, but you can understand the concept. I think we often view things in this life in such a way, that anything which damages something spoils it in some way and permanently in a way which can never be completely recovered. My body is now covered in scars from my misadventures.

 

Truthfully, I have a tendency to think about myself in that way. Whenever I fall short of who I'd like to be, whenever I err from  an ethical stance I hold or fail to embody the principles I choose to live by, I feel I've broken myself, not only failing to be who I want in that moment, but somehow preventing myself from ever now becoming everything I could have been, limiting my future and permanently scarring myself because that failure would forever be with me, written in stone in my history.

 

I also have a tendency to think about my relationships (with everyone, not just girls) in this way too. That when one of us makes a mistake and there's a break in trust or a loss of closeness, then forgiveness comes easily but in some way it feels like the relationship will no longer be perfect like it once was. It was actually thinking about relationships like this that made me realise how wrong this general philosophy of historical imperfection was, because what I have witnessed can remarkably be quite the opposite. Though I have only witnessed a few relationships which have suffered serious damage to them and truly come out the other side, those that have, have somehow become stronger, closer and more robust.

 

It seems that something almost magical happens during this process. It's not the break in trust which leaves the lasting mark, but the forgiveness. It seems that there is no damage which can stand against the irresistible strength of undeserved love. Such love has the power not only to repair relationships but also transform them into something new and to transform both people too should they be willing to let it. The power of this undeserved love is never more evident than in God's love for us revealed in Jesus's death which bought our forgiveness when we couldn't earn it. So not only can damaged relationships be restored to something better than before, but so too can I through God's grace not only be redeemed from my failings but even brought into something better.

Episode 144 - If you go down to the woods today...

I like forests. There’s something about them. They’re magical, and secretive and full of adventure. Yet also full of peace and tranquillity. Little worlds of their own far away from everything else. Every day on my way to work I walk through a small wood. The path never takes you more than 50 meters away from the streets and the houses beyond, and yet in that wood I could be anywhere. All I can see is trees. Trees to as far as the eye can see, which isn’t very far. And beyond what I can see could be anything. I guess this is part of the magic of forests, you can see such a short distance ahead, that you’re forced to enjoy what is right in front of you and can only imagine what is ahead.

As I walked through the little wood this week, my mind took me to another forest that I had been to. During my time in Papua New Guinea I went for a hike through the rain forest, where the forest literally went on for miles in all directions and there was very little to be found other than trees and wildlife. Yet even then it felt like around each corner could be anything, even maybe a café and a car park. There were no roads, so of course there wasn’t, but it felt like there could be somehow.

Whilst I was on that walk I got lost. I couldn’t have been inadvertently walking off the trail for more than a minute, but even then, once I tried to find it, I couldn’t. It seemed to have completely disappeared. The more I looked the more lost I seemed to get, to the point that I had no idea which direction to begin walking in. I’ll be honest, it was terrifying. But I wasn’t really lost. Don’t get me wrong, I had no idea where I was (or where I was going). Like not even a clue. But my guide knew exactly where I was. In fact, unbeknown to me, he was bemusedly watching me from the path, and as soon as I eventually gave up and called out hopelessly into the shadows, he called out my name and brought me back to where I should have been. 

When I started writing this I intended saying that life is sometimes like walking through a forest, but as I’m writing this I’m starting to think that life is always like walking through a forest. Even when we think we can see far ahead and know where the path is taking us, we can never really be sure what’s around the corner and it can be all too easy to loose the trail. That can be a terrifying (especially when you’re at a point when you have lost way forward). But the same thing that makes it terrifying, is also what makes it exciting and beautiful and full of wonder. But when we take our eyes off what we can see and focus on what we can’t then we loose all of that. And it’s natural to worry about what might be around the corner or about getting lost, but when you have a good guide, you really don’t need to, you can just enjoy the journey!