Last week I was the visiting speaker at a Church. I'd arranged to get there half an hour early to make sure everything was ready for my talk. Whenever I've arranged a time to meet with someone, I don't like being late. I also don't like being early. To combat this I have a little tradition. I leave enough time to get stuck in traffic, get lost, and then not be able to find a parking space and still arrive on time. This inevitably means that I usually arrive super early. But not to worry, this is where the second part of my dastardly plan comes into play; I go for a walk. Okay, so it’s neither particularly dastardly nor groundbreaking, but it works really well. I walk half-way in any direction away from the venue, then I turn around and do the same walk the other half back. That is to say, that I work out how much time I have to kill, and then just walk anywhere for half of the time I need to waste. Then when I turn around and walk back, I know I'll arrive exactly on time! I realise as I'm writing this that I might sound a little like a crazy person, but it is actually a really nice way to prepare for a talk, to see a little of the neighbourhood I'm in,and to spend some time with God.
As I do this more, I've started to realise that the two halves of the walk feel very different. The first half is a delve into the unknown, with uncertainty hidden behind every corner. I see everything that I pass like it's the first time I've ever seen it. I mean it is the first time I've ever seen it so I would. But I really look at everything, taking it in, trying to make sure I don't get lost. Yeah I know that the idea of not getting lost when you're not going anywhere in particular might seem ridiculous, but the idea actually begins to consume you. For you know that you have to remember your way so that you can make it back to the venue, and not just make it back, but make it back on time. Which is another thing; I keep checking my watch every two minutes convinced that I might have somehow let twenty slip by, desperate not to miss my scheduled time for turning around.
The second half by comparison is totally relaxing. I don't concern myself at all with such things, safe in the knowledge that all the groundwork has been done; my subconscious now knows the way and all the timings have been set. I barely notice any of my surroundings as I become lost in my thoughts, so secure and comfortable in my situation am I. This week I realised that sometimes my life feels a lot more like the first half than the second. Full of the unknown and the uncertainty that surrounds it, with my trying to grasp at it, to wrestle some sense out of it all. And all the while time seems to go so slowly and yet I don’t seem to make much progress. I can't help wondering if my life might feel more serene and like the second half of the walk if instead of trying to do everything myself, I trusted that God had gone ahead of me and already laid down the groundwork.
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