Episode 75 - Sori Not Sorry

The English use their own language in ways that no one else does in ways that it was never intended to be used. We are famed for not saying what we mean and meaning what we do not say. Of all the words that we English misuse one probably stands out above them all – sorry. Whether it’s to make something mean sound nicer (such as; I’m sorry to disagree with you but you’re wrong), as a replacement for “please could you repeat that I didn’t hear you”, or anything in between, I have probably used them all. But there is one particularly way that I use the word that often seems to cause confusion in the recipient of my remark – that is when I use it to show sympathy. When somebody shares sad news with me I will often express my sympathy by saying I am sorry, to which I often receive the response; “why are you sorry, it’s not your fault… is it?” It’s as though to say sorry is not just a show of compassion or sorrow, but also an act of taking responsibility for a wrong you have committed, like feeling sorry is an obligation of wrongdoing and nothing else. But this response would not be elicited in Papua New Guinea.

In Tok Pisin the word “sori” from the English “sorry” means sorrow. It is the word that is used to apologise, but it is also the same word that is used to express that one is sad. To use this expression to convey your compassion for another’s misfortune would not be considered unusual at all. In fact, in a world where it is normal to ask someone how they are and not only want them to answer truthfully but to also be interested in their answer, it is also totally normal not only to express empathy, but to actually share in the feelings of that person. Upon reflection of this I found it strange that compassion and empathy could be a product of culture, one that seemed missing in my own, replaced instead by stoicism and reliance upon self. I even worried that we Brits must seem cold and uncaring to the rest of the world, and even considered that perhaps we were. However then I realised that we were just as capable of compassion and empathy as anyone, we just don’t say it. At least not with words, and certainly not with the words you might expect. Still having been embraced by such open compassion and now knowing how good it feels, I will try to let my own compassion out a little bit more.