Episode 163 - Memories

 Memory is a strange thing. Sometimes a distant memory of something long forgotten can most suddenly be brought into vivid recollection as clear as if it had happened the day before. And often it is the simplest of things which bring it back; a song, a smell, or a story. This week for me it was a more unusual suspect which brought back a time which I thought I had completely forgotten; a tin of Vaseline. Having been knocked to the floor, it bounced to a standstill. As it did, I was transported to the wooden floors of a lounge at All Nations College where I studied when I joined MAF. It was a dark winters evening almost six years ago. I was surrounded by the chatter and laughter of friends. In the centre of the room a dear friend and I sat on the floor, with a chair behind each of us and a tin of Vaseline between us. Why? Well because we had just invented floor hockey, a game which would keep us thoroughly entertained for the next hour or so as our friends watched on bewilderedly.

It was such a happy time and such a wonderful memory, but in the aftermath of remembering I found myself asking one simple question; how had I forgotten this? It was so precious, to have let go of it, to have lost it seemed so careless and reckless. I wondered what other treasured memories had I lost and didn’t even know? This thought upset me for a while, which is strange, because the actual loss of such memories never hurt me, I never even knew that I had forgotten them. Yet the thought that I might have lost something I don’t know about did. It was that thought which caused me to realise that I was looking at it all wrong. The memory was never lost. If it had been, then how could I have remembered it? But if I was always holding onto it, I would be living in the past leaving less room for the present. In not holding on so tight to these special times grants them the freedom to come and go as they please, not lost just roaming wild. And God always seems to know when to bring each one to mind at just the right time and fill me with joy of times gone by and hope for more such times in the future.

Episode 162 - Wild Garden

I love the outdoors and I love nature. I’m fortunate enough to have a garden in my current house. What I don’t have is much time to manage it. It’s quite a plain garden, an area of decking and then a lawn, an empty rectangle. I would love to have the sort of garden that is full of flowers and birds and life, but that’s not really my garden. There are no flowers or trees planted in my garden except a tiny privet and some unrecognisable plant that died a long time ago, and I have no time to change anything about it.

Yet even so, there are flowers in my garden; there are daisies and dandelions that grow in my lawn and around the edges of my lawn are an array of different flowers which have planted themselves. Weeds that I’m almost certain that I’m supposed to have gotten ridden of by the rules of being an adult or something like that, but I didn’t have the heart (or time or inclination) to get rid of them because the small sense of vitality that they give to my garden brings me joy. So I have let them grow, but there is still little sense of life in my garden, at least until I looked out of my kitchen window this morning. When I did, I saw that my garden was full of literally dozens of sparrows and goldfinches. The big thistle plants which had magically come into being with no interference from me have now gone to seed and the birds were having a feast. I stood and marvelled at both how good God’s creation was, and His abundant blessing to me which not only came without my input but also because of my lack of input! Such an effortless blessing which I would have lost if I had worked hard as I thought I was supposed to.

I stared and wonder about my life, about how many things in my life that I considered weeds that I spent so much time wrestling with trying to get rid of so that I could have a pristine lawn were actually God’s blessings that I just needed to allow to grow to become fruitful. Anxieties that I try to hide from that could become new visions of great opportunities. Guilt which I try to run from which could become maturing character and forgiveness. Broken heartedness which I pretend doesn’t exist which could become healing and a greater compassion and capacity to love. A difficult colleague I try to avoid which could become a great friendship. A needy friend I don’t have time for who might fulfil needs I don’t even realise I have. The list could go on. May my life become a garden overrun by God’s weeds, because they are far greater than the most perfectly manicured lawn that I could ever create.

Episode 161 - Pentecost Rain

It was raining. I couldn’t see it falling, but still it was raining. I couldn’t see the rain, but the ground showed it. Small patches of water where the rain had touched it. I couldn’t see the rain land, nor could I see the patches grow as I watched them and yet it was raining. What I could see was the change when I looked away and then I looked back. How more and more of the ground was wet each time, and how less of it remained dry. I could not see the rain fall. I could not see it land. But I could see the change it made. So I stepped outside in to it. I could not see the rain, but I could feel it. Tiny little cold pin pricks all over my skin. I could not see the rain but slowly it covered me. And I stayed. At first I became a little damp but soon I was drenched. And yet still I couldn’t see the rain. How my soul longs for your Spirit Lord to fall like this rain and soak me to my very core.

 

Episode 160 - Walk While the Weathers Good

Saturday was a beautiful sunny day. Really sunny. I very nearly went for a walk, but I didn’t. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go for a walk, I did, but I had already planned out my weekend. The plan included a walk, but not on Saturday, on Sunday. You see, I had lots to do this weekend, and I wanted to get all those things done first and then have a walk, so that I would know that all the things have been done and I would be able to make extra time if I needed to. 

It’s not that I couldn’t do those things on Sunday and walk on Saturday, it just seemed safer, more responsible, and better accounting of time to do it this way. And so I got everything done on Saturday as planned and I got to go for my walk on Sunday. On Sunday the sky was thick with black clouds and the wind was howling. To be honest I love moody atmospheric weather like this so I didn’t really mind, but as I was walking, it got me thinking, did I actually have good reason to not go walking on Saturday, or did I miss out on the good weather simply because of bad decision making and over reliance on sticking to my plans no matter what.

There are things in my life that God has given to me to do, and I do my best to make sure that I do these things the best that I can. But now I wonder if I sometimes worry so much about them that I miss other opportunities that God brings to me because I’m so focused on what I already have been given and how I’ve decided that I’m going to do them rather than being willing to see God’s new opportunities, listen to His guiding and trust that He’s able to help fit all of it in if He’s leading me to do it.